Some Light Hearted Policy Ideas

1. Tax relief for anyone entering the World Beard and Moustache Championships
2. Road tax dependent on the diameter of your exhaust, automatically doubled if you drive a Vauxhall Nova
3. 100% duty rate on sovereign rings / hoop earrings
4. Law against wearing hoods over baseball caps and men wearing ankle-length socks
5. Introduce a national holiday during World Darts Championships
6. Introduction into national curriculum: lessons on the benefits of sporting a mullet hairstyle
7. Tax rebates on construction of roller-coasters in back gardens
8. Relaxing of laws governing modifications to grade 2 listed buildings, where bowling alleys will be installed
9. National distribution of life-size HM Queen posters
10. Setting-up of British Pornography Library next to British Library, with free access to all (favourites such as Anabolic Assman will be reference only)

London Airport

I would introduce a long term plan to move Heathrow Airport to a new location further out of London, along the lines of the plan to build a new airport on the Thames Estuary. The new airport would be larger than Heathrow, have multiple runways and cater for the expected future growth in air travel, similar to the new Hong Kong and Dubai airports. There would be rapid transport links to central London. Availabiliy of landing slots and charges would be linked to efficiency of aircraft.

This would be paid for by selling off the land that the current airport is sat on.

Guantanamo Bay

I would make the strongest representations to the United States Government about the existence of the detention camp. Not only is the camp unfair to prisoners (regardless of guilt) but it is a shocking affront to democracy and causes the West to lose the moral high ground in the War on Terror.

The Serious Organised Crime and Police Act 2005

I would abolish the Westminster Parliamentary Exclusion Zone defined within the Act. It is outrageous that people need to ask permission from the police to hold a demonstration within 1km of Parliament. That is not democracy.

Routemaster Replacement

I would invite tenders to design and build a new Routemaster bus for London. Based on the original design, I would reintroduce a bus with an open platform at the rear and the presence of a conductor to collect fares. The platform would allow large volumes of passengers to alight and board quickly at stops, and indeed at traffic lights and slow speeds. The conductor would collect fares whilst the bus travelled, thus minimising delays at stops.

The bus would also incorporate environmental features making it suitable for the 21st century.

Press Complaints

I would ask the Press Complaints Commission to establish a rule that if a newspaper story is found to be false, the apology and correction which followed must take up the same number of column inches as the original story.

The House of Lords

The Upper House should be 100% appointed. The House of Commons is elected; the Lords needs to be different and unique, continuing their role as a revising chamber. I would establish an independent commission to deal with appointments and to remove the influence of government which has tarnished the process irreparably. The Lords should be made up of experts from the arts and sciences, each bringing unique skills and experience to enable an effective check on government power and legislation. The Lords should NOT be a chamber for retired politicians.

I broadly welcome the findings of the Wakeham Report.

Railway Privatisation

I would continue the privatisation of the railways and run them along the same principles as the air travel market, creating open access lines where companies bid for slots at stations (similar to landing slots at airports). The increase in competition will drive up quality and drive down prices. Slots on both the East Coast and West Coast Main Lines will be at a premium, therefore becoming revenue generators for the government. There would be subsidies available for rural and highland routes, similar to the subsidies given to British Airways to operate a service.

Chain Gangs

I would introduce the concept of chain gangs in Britain's jails, using a similar process to that in Maricopa County, Arizona. This would allow prisoners with short-length sentences a chance to give something back to the community rather than sitting around playing XBox all day.

The Admiralty Citadel

I would demolish the Admiralty Citadel.

Allegiance to The Queen

I would introduce an oath of allegiance to be repeated in schools up and down the country daily, as well as at other important occasions:

"I pledge allegiance to Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, and of her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith, and to the country which she leads: one Nation under God, indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for all."

The National Anthem

I would add the learning of the National Anthem to the school curriculum, but only the first, second and sixth verses.

God save our gracious Queen,
Long live our noble Queen,
God save the Queen:
Send her victorious,
Happy and glorious,
Long to reign over us:
God save the Queen.

O Lord, our God, arise,
Scatter her enemies,
And make them fall.
Confound their politics,
Frustrate their knavish tricks,
On Thee our hopes we fix,
God save us all.

Lord grant that Marshal Wade
May by thy mighty aid
Victory bring.
May he sedition hush,
And like a torrent rush,
Rebellious Scots to crush.
God save the Queen!

Black Shirts

I would introduce a 100% rate of VAT to any shirts coloured black. The Church and darts players would be exempt.

National Service

I would introduce National Service as an alternative to jail for offenders receiving sentences of under three years, where the judge agrees it would be a valid alternative to custody.

Higher Education

I would establish a commission to look at how British universities could introduce a mechanism to encourage an increase in the value of financial endowments to create the best funded universities in the world, on par with US institutions.

The West Lothian Question

I would introduce legislation to only allow English MPs to vote on laws that only concern England.

Fruit in its Rightful Place

As many people know, I believe in keeping foodstuffs in their natural environments and detest the mixing of fruit and meat. I would therefore introduce a law to ban:

- Hawaiian pizza
- Waldorf salads
- raisins mixed with grated carrot
- cheese and pineapple hedgehogs
etc.

Iraq

I supported the 2003 invasion of Iraq. Despite the lack of WMDs (we must keep the present government accountable for the "dodgy dossier") I believe that the seeds of democracy should be planted around the world. Contain Saddam? You can't impose democracy? Tell that to all the Iraqis who had fingers chopped off with secateurs or their shirts ironed whilst still wearing them.

That said, I have become distraught with the descent into chaos within Iraq and the power vacuum that has sucked in the insurgency. The lack of long term planning and no strategy for peace has been catastrophic. For the sake of humanity, I would stay in Iraq until the job is done. You cannot put a date on leaving.

In the future, there must be transparency between military and political decisions to ensure the facts are not manipulated to suit the plan, rather the other way round.

Trident

I would replace Trident. It is imperative that Britain retains an independent nuclear deterrent. Of course, the chances of using such an extreme form of attack is minimal, but being a nuclear power not only provides you with the ultimate deterrent but also buys you a place on the top table of world diplomacy (this is an unspoken but true fact).

Nuclear Power

I would build a new generation of efficient nuclear power stations, with the long term aspiration of ending dependence of fossil fuels. I would also make the UK world leaders on nuclear waste reprocessing.

Hunting Act 2004

I would scrap it: it doesn't work.

National ID Cards

I would oppose the introduction of national ID cards: they would not stop crime or terrorism. Separately, I would introduce a voluntary ID card which was secure and could be used as a definitive form of identification when applying for a passport / driving licence / bank account etc.

Road Pricing

I would scrap vehicle licences (tax discs) and replace them with a national GPS-based road charging scheme. The price you'd pay would depend on where and when you drive: if you're driving on country lanes at midnight, it would be zero cost; if you're on the M25 at 8am, the cost would be greater. Laws would be introduced to ensure no other information is collected except for location and time to avoid the possibility of Big Brother situations.

Environmental Taxes

I would ringfence the increase in Air Passenger Duty to ensure the money raised went towards environmental causes. The current situation where it goes into the central tax fund is CRAP.